I love you but please don't touch me. How Do I Even Deal?
It's kinda hard to say don't touch me when you are standing in a condolence line at a wake for your 39 year old uncle. We estimated near to 500 people who came to my uncle's wake and funeral. God really put his hands of peace and protection around me for sure. There were times of anxiety and times of unbearable pain physically and emotionally. But through it all I felt the Lord telling me that I could get through it for my uncle. I pushed through for him and only him. Some people with SPD also feel emotion more intense than someone who doesn't have SPD. The pain I feel in losing him doesn't even come close to the pain I feel for his wife and 12 year old daughter, for my dad and his sisters, and for my grandparents who are in their 70's who never once thought they would have to bury one of their children. My heart aches to the point of not being able to breathe. I feel like I'm feeling for everybody; all of their emotions all at the same time.
It was amazing to see the outpouring of love from the small community he grew up in. My Uncle Mike was a genuinely caring man. His happy spirit was a mood lifter, a light, and just an all over "feel better because life will get better attitude" he carried with him. His passion for his family was undeniable and the love he had for the outdoors and creation in general was inspiring.
I was his first niece. The very first on the scene. As a matter of fact, I was his ONLY niece for 22 years until my little cousin Clarissa was born. Two years later he was made a great uncle when my daughter Violet arrived.
Whenever I was around he made me the center of his attention. I was always his "little princess". His "don't worry be happy" attitude always overrode whatever sour mood I was in. He was always the Tickle Monster and my Silly Ole Bear with a Towel.
Growing up he would be my favorite part of visiting PA. We would make the 2 day drive from Oklahoma to Pennsylvania to visit family. Back then it was just me and my brother Aaron, so we were always the focus of my grandparents, uncle and aunts. While my aunts played Barbies and games with me, my uncle was always right there not wanting to miss any bit of the short visit he had with me or my brother. Sometimes he would even play Barbies with me not caring how "not tough" it made him look. Family was very important to him. I think having his big brother (my dad) and his family was a highlight in his year and he looked forward to seeing us whenever we were able to visit.
Being from flat ole Oklahoma visiting the Great Up North was a wicked adventure for my little brother and I. Snow was ALWAYS the big thrill of our visit and my Uncle Mike knew where all the good sledding spots were. I remember one year he took us to the church parking lot to sled down the snow piles left from the plows because there was so much snow that year. At the end of that fun time my legs were frozen and tired so he carried me all the way back to Grandma's house. That's how much he loved me.
When we moved from OK to PA my brother and I were very excited to be close to our grandparents and uncle and aunts. We never ran short on people to play with us. I'm so grateful to my dad for moving us closer to our family. Even though it was only for 5 years I can honestly say it was the most fulfilling 5 years of my brother's and my life. We got a chance to know our family in a more intimate way and were loved and poured into more than I can ever remember.
My uncle was a wonderful husband. His marriage to my Aunt April taught me that it's okay to be silly, angry, playful or annoyed. That no matter what, you love each other for who the other is.
His love for his daughter was incredible. I can't begin to tell you how much his little family went through. A year after they got married they happily found out they were pregnant with my cousin Christine, aka my TeanBean. Christine was born with a couple holes in her heart and against quite a few odds and a few open heart surgeries she is happy, healthy and active today.
Weeks after my aunt had Christine she got really sick. My aunt ended up with Postpartum Cardiomyopathy (meaning her heart more than doubled in its size). She had only a 5% chance of living. They put her in a medically induced coma for 3 months until her heart was strong enough to sustain her again. Through all of this my uncle remained strong in his faith in the fact that his girls would make it through never wavered.
I still can't believe he is gone. I can't get my head to wrap around the fact that I'm never going to see him here on earth ever again. I'm angry because he should still be here, that a work accident took him from his family. What the heck? Seriously. Ridiculous. Absurd. Unbelievable. Pissed off. These are all words that keep going through my head.
I never stop praying peace over my aunt and his daughter. Or over the rest of our family.
I've been very fortunate not to have had to experience the death of anyone who I was super close to in my family. My GG passed away when I was 15. I was close to her. But at the same time, I feel it was easier to process because she was older. I still have 3 sets of grandparents who are living and a great grandmother who is in her 90's and still going strong. I can't understand why this happened. I know life brings moments like these but it doesn't make it any easier. I guess I'll just keep praying and keep living the way my uncle would have liked to see me live; happy and appreciative of everything I am fortunate enough to have...my husband, my daughter, my family.... And a life of freedom to be and do what my heart desires for the most part.
I will always love that silly ole Bear. I really really will.
