SPD. Explaining me.

I wanted to write about SPD and how it makes me me; as a Mother, as a Wife and as a Pastors wife. I feel like, well...I know that the way I may be perceived sometimes is not what really is. So this is my way of seeking understanding and educating.

I don't want my first real "blog" post to be super long and boring so I think I will just start with a brief definition of Sensory Processing Disorder which is: Difficulty in the way the brain takes in, organizes, and uses sensory information, causing a person to have problems interacting effectively in the everyday environment. Or Difficulty perceiving or interpreting sensory data taken in through sight, sound, touch, movement, or taste, this disorder can have severe consequences in many aspects of learning, behavior, self-regulation and daily functioning. Formerly referred to as sensory integration disorder.

 As a child I was the awkward girl labeled with ADD. Any child who had a hard time concentrating, had strange quarks and behavioral issues and learning problems was automatically stamped with the ADD diagnosis. I was on medication for awhile until my Mom decided the side effects of the medication were way worse than the actual behavior. Props to my Mama for not taking the easy road when it came to dealing with me. As a girl I always had a hard time with social interaction. I was random in thought and said everything that came to my mind no matter how inappropriate it was to the situation. I hated being alone. Time-outs alone in my room lead to all out screaming fits full of anxiety and anger because I could feel the emptiness of the space I was alone in, which left me terrified. Getting dressed was a daily battle for my Mother because I would refuse to wear certain items of clothing based on how they made my skin feel. I wasn't old enough to explain to my mom, "No Mom, I cannot wear those jeans because they itch my skin so bad I would rather claw myself out of them than try to get through the day wearing them." Or, "No Mom, I cannot wear those leggings without tucking my shirt in, even if you think it looks silly, because the elastic against my skin feels like it's cutting into me and hurts." And the best argument, "No Mom, I will not wear my shoes because they feel like they are suffocating my foot. And how is it possible that my shoe can suffocate not only my foot but the rest of me too?"

When it came to school I never got good grades. I was always getting in trouble for not focusing or  paying attention. I had to get extra time on tests and still with the extra time never did very well. Looking back I couldn't put into words why I struggled in the classroom. Now I know that all of those times I chewed out the person sitting behind me because he had his feet on my desk or because she was leaning too far over her desk getting too close was because I could literally feel the space and air between us and ever tiniest movement was like having an elephant sitting beside me or behind me. Every clicking pen, sneeze, sniffle, ticking of the clock, scrape of the chalk on the chalk board, someone simply swallowing water, smacking their gum, wagging their feet or wearing perfume even if it was just trace amounts, completely and utterly consumed every bit of me. Which then left nothing to give to the task at hand in the classroom at that moment in time. Need I even mention the florescent lights that bugged me out so much that I got headaches and left me extremely irritable. Furthermore God have mercy on you if you touched me without permission.

You will be surprised to know I've dealt with these issues my entire life. Even now to the same severity; if not worsening over the years. It was only just over 3 years ago that we even learned that  there was a name for my "uniqueness" as we call it. Kids who are diagnosed with SPD now are automatically put into occupational therapy to help them deal with and handle their sensory problems...I wasn't so lucky unfortunately. And this is why I am writing this blog. I want to be understood and I want to write about my everyday struggles in my own little world.

I try my best to function in large crowds with bright lights and loud noises and nauseating smells that the average person may not even be aware of. I love my husband and I love the work God has called him to and since God called me to be his wife I am equally called to be by his side to help him with his ministry; with OUR ministry.

It's hard being a pastors wife with SPD.  I know I may come across as a snob sometimes or just plain cold or rude, but believe me I try to be as gracious as I can when people come up to me in church or public to take my hand or rub my back or offer their hand to shake simply doing so out of the kindness of their heart...all while I try not to throw up on them out of anxiety and literal pain in the process.

We all have a desire to be understood and this is my way of getting it out there. I thought the name of this blog was entirely appropriate because in the world of Pastors Wife I know I am called to be KIND and GENTLE. My desire is to inform in a KIND and GENTLE way that, I DO LOVE YOU BUT PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME. :-)